I think one of the hardest parts of living with a narcissist is being alone. I once told a friend (who knows the size of our family) and he said, "Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" I guess it does. But, truly, I am alone in everything I do. There are the odd occasions in which I will do something with him and we will have a nice time. But those are rare. Mostly, I have to defend my position, my opinion, my heart, from hostile attacks - alone. I parent - alone. I am responsible to 'hold the roof up' - alone. If it didn't get done, I am responsible. If it was done 'wrong,' I am responsible. If the kids did it wrong, I feel guilty for his tirade against them.
Enough!
My counselor encouraged me to find a group of people I can trust, who actually are there for me. She understood the 'lonesomeness.' I tried to make that happen and discovered that some of my good friends are not those people. That's okay. God showed me a few who really are there and who really 'get it.'
It is part of my dysfunction from the narcissistic abuse that I find it deathly discouraging to have people tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sure there are times that I really don't. And I've changed my mind often enough to know that my first (or longest) held belief is not always accurate.
I found a new friend today who 'gets it.' She grew up with a narcissist father. I latched onto her very quickly and she shared freely some of her perspective. When someone else knows it is like life was just breathed back into you. I have lived with the porcupine attacks for so long, I think I just accepted them as a normal part of life. (I have another blog entry about how the N normalizes his dysfunctional behavior.) So I described to her the recent event with my daughter falling down the stairs and her response was, "OMG! Get out!"
One of her episodes: When she was about 30ish, her father disowned her for not giving him the right fork. Seriously. They didn't talk to each other for a long time (silent treatment).
I share this because there are others out there who believe they are no good, or that they are responsible for everything because their narcissist has told them over and over. They haven't discovered yet that it's all lies. If sharing my story can help one person, the time it takes to post these blog entries is worth it.
I know I ramble, sorry. Back to 'being alone.'
This is not the same kind of loneliness that you have BEING alone. Being with someone who disregards you is a different kind of loneliness. It's like being able to see the food on the other side of the glass but not able to get through the glass to eat it - and you're starving.
There once was a fish in a tank. The scientist had a glass wall he could insert into the tank. The experiment was to see how the fish would respond to a shrinking environment. So he put the false wall in, an inch from the end of the tank. The fish bumped into it at first, but soon learned where the 'wall' was and stopped trying. So the scientist moved the false wall an inch closer. Again, the fish bumped into the wall at first, but soon learned it was a firm barrier so he just accepted it. This was repeated until the fish only had an inch left in his tank. The fish accepted it. But his health declined.
This is how a narcissist isolates you. Little by little, he chops off your world until all you know is what he wants you to know. All you see is what he wants you to see.
I couldn't go out anywhere and leave him with the kids - I would come home and they would be crying and things would be broken. He would scream at me when I got home. It was not worth putting my children through that, so I decided to never leave him with them again.
And yet...he went out whenever he wanted. In fact, we couldn't afford a babysitter, so he told me he was going out every Friday night and I HAD to let him do it. I had no choice. I believed him, so off he went, earlier and earlier each Friday and coming home later and later...1am...3am... he did this for over a year.
I couldn't do anything at home that did not involve serving him. So phone calls to friends were out of the question. And yet, during dinner one night, he found out a friend (a girl, of course) was ill, so he left the dinner table to call her. I was late putting dinner on the table one night because a friend called to find out what 'all this salvation stuff was about.' OMG, he was angry. He slammed things on the table, yelled at the kids... I finally had to hang up before I was able to share anything real with her.
isolation...
alone. all the time.
You can break the isolation. Get away from him/her and experience real people. Because that is what you will find. You have to be careful not to let another narcissist into your life, but go out and meet people. You'll be amazed. And this is a first step in healing.
Here are some ideas:
1. Go to ACA meetings. I was flabbergasted at how much they knew about what I've been through.
ACA Home Page
2. Get a job and KEEP your income. Man, that boosted my self esteem. My boss loved me because I was thorough and attentive to details. I didn't get cut down all the time. I got praised for my hard work. Imagine that!
3. Volunteer your time (if that is possible for you) helping others.
4. Get someone else to watch the kids and go out for coffee with a friend.
5. Go dancing - OMG! it's so fun!
6. Stay away from internet connections - find real people to spend time with, ones you can SEE and discern that they are 'safe.'
7. Do find those people who understand your loneliness. If you pray, ask God to bring those people to you. The ones we choose are not always the best ones, but that's okay. Keep going and those people will show up in your life.
Don't stay where you are - break the isolation. You have the key from the inside and there is a world of possibilities out there for you.
