Monday, November 24, 2014
Killing Me With Kindness
Sometimes the hardest part of living with the Narcissist "swing" is the calm. He's quiet, attentive, even solicitous. It is maddening to have him make me dinner, for instance, and even serve it to me, in front of a friend, knowing that not long ago he made dinner for himself and everyone else BUT me. No, I can't prove he did this to punish me because I wasn't the one who made dinner for him. (I'd started working later hours and he was home sooner than I was.) But what decent person does something for an entire family EXCEPT for one person? There was no apology or explanation. He just served everyone in front of me and then sat down to eat his dinner. Of course while he's serving me dinner in front of my friend, she exclaims how sweet it was. Did he do it because he was being kind? Maybe. I thanked him. But now I'm watching for that infamous "other shoe." Again. Past experience has led me to believe it is waiting in the wings. Since I am a person who desires to see the best in others, for me, this is a slow death.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Financial Abuse
Most everything on this site feels so familiar...
I don't want to share the entire website as my blog, but this one is worth mentioning:
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/financial_control.html
Way back when the kids were little, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I had to take over the handling of the checkbook and the paying of bills. If I didn't do this, he would end up yelling at the kids. He told me I had no choice.
As a side note, here, a friend cut me off after hearing this story by saying that this was him setting boundaries for himself. Um...no.
Anyway, he ended up yelling at the kids (and me) so my compliance did not nothing to prevent it. Then he would take money out of my purse and I would have nothing to buy groceries. Money was tight in those days, so a missing $20 was several days worth of food.
Once, we were using American Express. At that time, the entire balance was required for each payment. The balance got higher and higher until I could not pay the whole balance. I told him about this but he gave me that "You're out of your mind" look and went about his business. Then, when they denied the card, he came home in a rage because I obviously wasn't handling the money correctly.
This is only one of many instances in which I was told I didn't handle money correctly - even though he required that I take care of it.
At one point I asked him (bravely) to take the check book and paying of bills back. He said he would. Whew! But then he seethed for nearly 3 weeks. And I can't count the number of times he told me, "Now that the checkbook is back under control..."
Insert face palm and weak primal scream here.
Now, he 'needs' my paycheck, which would effectively leave me without any money because I have to ask for anything that comes out of the mutual account. In fact, one day at the grocery store, I asked for something..."What are you going to give up in order to get that?" he asked. O.O
I don't have any answers to this, because I still have trouble saying 'no' to him. I'm conditioned to respond in his favor. Since I'm a prisoner to his whims...well, all I can say is that I'm packing my things.
I don't want to share the entire website as my blog, but this one is worth mentioning:
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/financial_control.html
Way back when the kids were little, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I had to take over the handling of the checkbook and the paying of bills. If I didn't do this, he would end up yelling at the kids. He told me I had no choice.
As a side note, here, a friend cut me off after hearing this story by saying that this was him setting boundaries for himself. Um...no.
Anyway, he ended up yelling at the kids (and me) so my compliance did not nothing to prevent it. Then he would take money out of my purse and I would have nothing to buy groceries. Money was tight in those days, so a missing $20 was several days worth of food.
Once, we were using American Express. At that time, the entire balance was required for each payment. The balance got higher and higher until I could not pay the whole balance. I told him about this but he gave me that "You're out of your mind" look and went about his business. Then, when they denied the card, he came home in a rage because I obviously wasn't handling the money correctly.
This is only one of many instances in which I was told I didn't handle money correctly - even though he required that I take care of it.
At one point I asked him (bravely) to take the check book and paying of bills back. He said he would. Whew! But then he seethed for nearly 3 weeks. And I can't count the number of times he told me, "Now that the checkbook is back under control..."
Insert face palm and weak primal scream here.
Now, he 'needs' my paycheck, which would effectively leave me without any money because I have to ask for anything that comes out of the mutual account. In fact, one day at the grocery store, I asked for something..."What are you going to give up in order to get that?" he asked. O.O
I don't have any answers to this, because I still have trouble saying 'no' to him. I'm conditioned to respond in his favor. Since I'm a prisoner to his whims...well, all I can say is that I'm packing my things.
RAGE
I found this article about rage and thought it was good. As I read these things, clarity often comes to me - "Oh, that's what is going on!"
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html
This part, in particular, in extremely familiar to me:
"An outburst can occur several times a day, or every few months. The outburst is followed by a period when the primary aggressor's arousal is low and they may act kindly or remorseful. This is sometimes called the honeymoon period. The desire for control remains however."
This, too, is amazingly familiar:
"Survivors that are in relationship with a raging person feel the effects of the rage all the time because they are walking on eggshells trying to prevent an outburst. The primary aggressor, on the other hand, after an episode both tends to feel better, and to quickly develop 'amnesia' about what happened."
http://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/15/the-cycle-of-abuse-in-a-relationship-with-the-sociopath-or-narcissist/
It is confirming to me that I'm not just imagining this. For what that's worth.
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html
This part, in particular, in extremely familiar to me:
"An outburst can occur several times a day, or every few months. The outburst is followed by a period when the primary aggressor's arousal is low and they may act kindly or remorseful. This is sometimes called the honeymoon period. The desire for control remains however."
This, too, is amazingly familiar:
"Survivors that are in relationship with a raging person feel the effects of the rage all the time because they are walking on eggshells trying to prevent an outburst. The primary aggressor, on the other hand, after an episode both tends to feel better, and to quickly develop 'amnesia' about what happened."
http://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/15/the-cycle-of-abuse-in-a-relationship-with-the-sociopath-or-narcissist/
It is confirming to me that I'm not just imagining this. For what that's worth.
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