Howdy Y'all!
I've been gone a long time. I hope you're glad to see me back. Some of you may have wondered if I finally gave in and croaked. Nope! I'm still here!
The divorce is final - got a few more things to wrap up (which, as an ACA is still a little difficult) and it's all DONE!
I'm living in a sweet little house that a friend 'just happened' to decide to rent at 'just the right time.' I'm getting counseling, which has been very helpful. I attend ACA meetings sporadically, and these are very helpful as well. My feet are steady on the ground and I'm beginning to reach for my dreams. I feel very blessed.
Did someone say "Bucket List?" YES! I am beginning to check things off that I have wanted to do for a very long time. Not bad for a 51yo, yes?
More later!
Oh, and check out the music for Stand, by Rascall Flatts...
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Saturday, February 28, 2015
An Excellent Book on Leaving a PD
A friend got this book for me and I'll tell you what...if you are trying to leave a personality disordered person, you need this book.
The PDs behave in very predictable ways, based on their particular disorder and history. So, although they cause chaos and confusion, we can often predict with accuracy their behavior in particular circumstances. The book discusses some of these circumstances, as they often happen in a separation. They loose control, for instance, and it often escalates their behavior. In fact, in many cases, they may become physically violent where there was no prior history of such behavior.
The legal side of divorcing a narcissist can be harrowing. There are ways to address the court that can protect you and further your position...or destroy your credibility. The judge, after all, only hears what you say in those moments, and sees your emotional or lack of emotional response, and that's all s/he sees. They don't have much time to make a judgment. The authors discuss the importance of not 'labeling' your partner as personality disordered without a medical or psychiatric diagnosis. The judge will most likely consider you presumptuous and mean spirited. It won't help your case. Stick to 'what he said' and 'what he did.'
"Splitting" is a term used for breaking up a relationship, but also for something PDs do...they often view you and others as either "all bad" or "all good." Generally speaking, people don't fit into these categories - they exhibit both good and bad qualities and behaviors. The book, Splitting, by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger, addresses these and other issues that will help you prepare for a safe exit from a toxic relationship.
The PDs behave in very predictable ways, based on their particular disorder and history. So, although they cause chaos and confusion, we can often predict with accuracy their behavior in particular circumstances. The book discusses some of these circumstances, as they often happen in a separation. They loose control, for instance, and it often escalates their behavior. In fact, in many cases, they may become physically violent where there was no prior history of such behavior.
The legal side of divorcing a narcissist can be harrowing. There are ways to address the court that can protect you and further your position...or destroy your credibility. The judge, after all, only hears what you say in those moments, and sees your emotional or lack of emotional response, and that's all s/he sees. They don't have much time to make a judgment. The authors discuss the importance of not 'labeling' your partner as personality disordered without a medical or psychiatric diagnosis. The judge will most likely consider you presumptuous and mean spirited. It won't help your case. Stick to 'what he said' and 'what he did.'
"Splitting" is a term used for breaking up a relationship, but also for something PDs do...they often view you and others as either "all bad" or "all good." Generally speaking, people don't fit into these categories - they exhibit both good and bad qualities and behaviors. The book, Splitting, by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger, addresses these and other issues that will help you prepare for a safe exit from a toxic relationship.
Leaving
Drawing the line in the sand is
often a most fearful experience, especially for those who have been the object
of a Personality Disordered person. They choose their words and actions for
optimum effect and this gives them power. It gives them power because they
create an uncertainty in you. No matter which way you choose, they will twist
it until it becomes your noose. So don't bother with which is the lesser
punishment that you might receive. Stand. Even if you might choose 'wrongly'
take a stand - without emotion, without wavering. This takes away their power
over you. They will never understand. They will never apologize for how they
hurt you. Sometimes just walking away is what will confound them and break the
chains with which they have bound you. Freedom from them is like suddenly
rising above the riptide.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Killing Me With Kindness
Sometimes the hardest part of living with the Narcissist "swing" is the calm. He's quiet, attentive, even solicitous. It is maddening to have him make me dinner, for instance, and even serve it to me, in front of a friend, knowing that not long ago he made dinner for himself and everyone else BUT me. No, I can't prove he did this to punish me because I wasn't the one who made dinner for him. (I'd started working later hours and he was home sooner than I was.) But what decent person does something for an entire family EXCEPT for one person? There was no apology or explanation. He just served everyone in front of me and then sat down to eat his dinner. Of course while he's serving me dinner in front of my friend, she exclaims how sweet it was. Did he do it because he was being kind? Maybe. I thanked him. But now I'm watching for that infamous "other shoe." Again. Past experience has led me to believe it is waiting in the wings. Since I am a person who desires to see the best in others, for me, this is a slow death.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Financial Abuse
Most everything on this site feels so familiar...
I don't want to share the entire website as my blog, but this one is worth mentioning:
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/financial_control.html
Way back when the kids were little, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I had to take over the handling of the checkbook and the paying of bills. If I didn't do this, he would end up yelling at the kids. He told me I had no choice.
As a side note, here, a friend cut me off after hearing this story by saying that this was him setting boundaries for himself. Um...no.
Anyway, he ended up yelling at the kids (and me) so my compliance did not nothing to prevent it. Then he would take money out of my purse and I would have nothing to buy groceries. Money was tight in those days, so a missing $20 was several days worth of food.
Once, we were using American Express. At that time, the entire balance was required for each payment. The balance got higher and higher until I could not pay the whole balance. I told him about this but he gave me that "You're out of your mind" look and went about his business. Then, when they denied the card, he came home in a rage because I obviously wasn't handling the money correctly.
This is only one of many instances in which I was told I didn't handle money correctly - even though he required that I take care of it.
At one point I asked him (bravely) to take the check book and paying of bills back. He said he would. Whew! But then he seethed for nearly 3 weeks. And I can't count the number of times he told me, "Now that the checkbook is back under control..."
Insert face palm and weak primal scream here.
Now, he 'needs' my paycheck, which would effectively leave me without any money because I have to ask for anything that comes out of the mutual account. In fact, one day at the grocery store, I asked for something..."What are you going to give up in order to get that?" he asked. O.O
I don't have any answers to this, because I still have trouble saying 'no' to him. I'm conditioned to respond in his favor. Since I'm a prisoner to his whims...well, all I can say is that I'm packing my things.
I don't want to share the entire website as my blog, but this one is worth mentioning:
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/financial_control.html
Way back when the kids were little, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I had to take over the handling of the checkbook and the paying of bills. If I didn't do this, he would end up yelling at the kids. He told me I had no choice.
As a side note, here, a friend cut me off after hearing this story by saying that this was him setting boundaries for himself. Um...no.
Anyway, he ended up yelling at the kids (and me) so my compliance did not nothing to prevent it. Then he would take money out of my purse and I would have nothing to buy groceries. Money was tight in those days, so a missing $20 was several days worth of food.
Once, we were using American Express. At that time, the entire balance was required for each payment. The balance got higher and higher until I could not pay the whole balance. I told him about this but he gave me that "You're out of your mind" look and went about his business. Then, when they denied the card, he came home in a rage because I obviously wasn't handling the money correctly.
This is only one of many instances in which I was told I didn't handle money correctly - even though he required that I take care of it.
At one point I asked him (bravely) to take the check book and paying of bills back. He said he would. Whew! But then he seethed for nearly 3 weeks. And I can't count the number of times he told me, "Now that the checkbook is back under control..."
Insert face palm and weak primal scream here.
Now, he 'needs' my paycheck, which would effectively leave me without any money because I have to ask for anything that comes out of the mutual account. In fact, one day at the grocery store, I asked for something..."What are you going to give up in order to get that?" he asked. O.O
I don't have any answers to this, because I still have trouble saying 'no' to him. I'm conditioned to respond in his favor. Since I'm a prisoner to his whims...well, all I can say is that I'm packing my things.
RAGE
I found this article about rage and thought it was good. As I read these things, clarity often comes to me - "Oh, that's what is going on!"
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html
This part, in particular, in extremely familiar to me:
"An outburst can occur several times a day, or every few months. The outburst is followed by a period when the primary aggressor's arousal is low and they may act kindly or remorseful. This is sometimes called the honeymoon period. The desire for control remains however."
This, too, is amazingly familiar:
"Survivors that are in relationship with a raging person feel the effects of the rage all the time because they are walking on eggshells trying to prevent an outburst. The primary aggressor, on the other hand, after an episode both tends to feel better, and to quickly develop 'amnesia' about what happened."
http://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/15/the-cycle-of-abuse-in-a-relationship-with-the-sociopath-or-narcissist/
It is confirming to me that I'm not just imagining this. For what that's worth.
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html
This part, in particular, in extremely familiar to me:
"An outburst can occur several times a day, or every few months. The outburst is followed by a period when the primary aggressor's arousal is low and they may act kindly or remorseful. This is sometimes called the honeymoon period. The desire for control remains however."
This, too, is amazingly familiar:
"Survivors that are in relationship with a raging person feel the effects of the rage all the time because they are walking on eggshells trying to prevent an outburst. The primary aggressor, on the other hand, after an episode both tends to feel better, and to quickly develop 'amnesia' about what happened."
http://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/15/the-cycle-of-abuse-in-a-relationship-with-the-sociopath-or-narcissist/
It is confirming to me that I'm not just imagining this. For what that's worth.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Oh Solo Mio
I think one of the hardest parts of living with a narcissist is being alone. I once told a friend (who knows the size of our family) and he said, "Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" I guess it does. But, truly, I am alone in everything I do. There are the odd occasions in which I will do something with him and we will have a nice time. But those are rare. Mostly, I have to defend my position, my opinion, my heart, from hostile attacks - alone. I parent - alone. I am responsible to 'hold the roof up' - alone. If it didn't get done, I am responsible. If it was done 'wrong,' I am responsible. If the kids did it wrong, I feel guilty for his tirade against them.
Enough!
My counselor encouraged me to find a group of people I can trust, who actually are there for me. She understood the 'lonesomeness.' I tried to make that happen and discovered that some of my good friends are not those people. That's okay. God showed me a few who really are there and who really 'get it.'
It is part of my dysfunction from the narcissistic abuse that I find it deathly discouraging to have people tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sure there are times that I really don't. And I've changed my mind often enough to know that my first (or longest) held belief is not always accurate.
I found a new friend today who 'gets it.' She grew up with a narcissist father. I latched onto her very quickly and she shared freely some of her perspective. When someone else knows it is like life was just breathed back into you. I have lived with the porcupine attacks for so long, I think I just accepted them as a normal part of life. (I have another blog entry about how the N normalizes his dysfunctional behavior.) So I described to her the recent event with my daughter falling down the stairs and her response was, "OMG! Get out!"
One of her episodes: When she was about 30ish, her father disowned her for not giving him the right fork. Seriously. They didn't talk to each other for a long time (silent treatment).
I share this because there are others out there who believe they are no good, or that they are responsible for everything because their narcissist has told them over and over. They haven't discovered yet that it's all lies. If sharing my story can help one person, the time it takes to post these blog entries is worth it.
I know I ramble, sorry. Back to 'being alone.'
This is not the same kind of loneliness that you have BEING alone. Being with someone who disregards you is a different kind of loneliness. It's like being able to see the food on the other side of the glass but not able to get through the glass to eat it - and you're starving.
There once was a fish in a tank. The scientist had a glass wall he could insert into the tank. The experiment was to see how the fish would respond to a shrinking environment. So he put the false wall in, an inch from the end of the tank. The fish bumped into it at first, but soon learned where the 'wall' was and stopped trying. So the scientist moved the false wall an inch closer. Again, the fish bumped into the wall at first, but soon learned it was a firm barrier so he just accepted it. This was repeated until the fish only had an inch left in his tank. The fish accepted it. But his health declined.
This is how a narcissist isolates you. Little by little, he chops off your world until all you know is what he wants you to know. All you see is what he wants you to see.
I couldn't go out anywhere and leave him with the kids - I would come home and they would be crying and things would be broken. He would scream at me when I got home. It was not worth putting my children through that, so I decided to never leave him with them again.
And yet...he went out whenever he wanted. In fact, we couldn't afford a babysitter, so he told me he was going out every Friday night and I HAD to let him do it. I had no choice. I believed him, so off he went, earlier and earlier each Friday and coming home later and later...1am...3am... he did this for over a year.
I couldn't do anything at home that did not involve serving him. So phone calls to friends were out of the question. And yet, during dinner one night, he found out a friend (a girl, of course) was ill, so he left the dinner table to call her. I was late putting dinner on the table one night because a friend called to find out what 'all this salvation stuff was about.' OMG, he was angry. He slammed things on the table, yelled at the kids... I finally had to hang up before I was able to share anything real with her.
isolation...
alone. all the time.
You can break the isolation. Get away from him/her and experience real people. Because that is what you will find. You have to be careful not to let another narcissist into your life, but go out and meet people. You'll be amazed. And this is a first step in healing.
Here are some ideas:
1. Go to ACA meetings. I was flabbergasted at how much they knew about what I've been through.
ACA Home Page
2. Get a job and KEEP your income. Man, that boosted my self esteem. My boss loved me because I was thorough and attentive to details. I didn't get cut down all the time. I got praised for my hard work. Imagine that!
3. Volunteer your time (if that is possible for you) helping others.
4. Get someone else to watch the kids and go out for coffee with a friend.
5. Go dancing - OMG! it's so fun!
6. Stay away from internet connections - find real people to spend time with, ones you can SEE and discern that they are 'safe.'
7. Do find those people who understand your loneliness. If you pray, ask God to bring those people to you. The ones we choose are not always the best ones, but that's okay. Keep going and those people will show up in your life.
Don't stay where you are - break the isolation. You have the key from the inside and there is a world of possibilities out there for you.
Enough!
My counselor encouraged me to find a group of people I can trust, who actually are there for me. She understood the 'lonesomeness.' I tried to make that happen and discovered that some of my good friends are not those people. That's okay. God showed me a few who really are there and who really 'get it.'
It is part of my dysfunction from the narcissistic abuse that I find it deathly discouraging to have people tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sure there are times that I really don't. And I've changed my mind often enough to know that my first (or longest) held belief is not always accurate.
I found a new friend today who 'gets it.' She grew up with a narcissist father. I latched onto her very quickly and she shared freely some of her perspective. When someone else knows it is like life was just breathed back into you. I have lived with the porcupine attacks for so long, I think I just accepted them as a normal part of life. (I have another blog entry about how the N normalizes his dysfunctional behavior.) So I described to her the recent event with my daughter falling down the stairs and her response was, "OMG! Get out!"
One of her episodes: When she was about 30ish, her father disowned her for not giving him the right fork. Seriously. They didn't talk to each other for a long time (silent treatment).
I share this because there are others out there who believe they are no good, or that they are responsible for everything because their narcissist has told them over and over. They haven't discovered yet that it's all lies. If sharing my story can help one person, the time it takes to post these blog entries is worth it.
I know I ramble, sorry. Back to 'being alone.'
This is not the same kind of loneliness that you have BEING alone. Being with someone who disregards you is a different kind of loneliness. It's like being able to see the food on the other side of the glass but not able to get through the glass to eat it - and you're starving.
There once was a fish in a tank. The scientist had a glass wall he could insert into the tank. The experiment was to see how the fish would respond to a shrinking environment. So he put the false wall in, an inch from the end of the tank. The fish bumped into it at first, but soon learned where the 'wall' was and stopped trying. So the scientist moved the false wall an inch closer. Again, the fish bumped into the wall at first, but soon learned it was a firm barrier so he just accepted it. This was repeated until the fish only had an inch left in his tank. The fish accepted it. But his health declined.
This is how a narcissist isolates you. Little by little, he chops off your world until all you know is what he wants you to know. All you see is what he wants you to see.
I couldn't go out anywhere and leave him with the kids - I would come home and they would be crying and things would be broken. He would scream at me when I got home. It was not worth putting my children through that, so I decided to never leave him with them again.
And yet...he went out whenever he wanted. In fact, we couldn't afford a babysitter, so he told me he was going out every Friday night and I HAD to let him do it. I had no choice. I believed him, so off he went, earlier and earlier each Friday and coming home later and later...1am...3am... he did this for over a year.
I couldn't do anything at home that did not involve serving him. So phone calls to friends were out of the question. And yet, during dinner one night, he found out a friend (a girl, of course) was ill, so he left the dinner table to call her. I was late putting dinner on the table one night because a friend called to find out what 'all this salvation stuff was about.' OMG, he was angry. He slammed things on the table, yelled at the kids... I finally had to hang up before I was able to share anything real with her.
isolation...
alone. all the time.
You can break the isolation. Get away from him/her and experience real people. Because that is what you will find. You have to be careful not to let another narcissist into your life, but go out and meet people. You'll be amazed. And this is a first step in healing.
Here are some ideas:
1. Go to ACA meetings. I was flabbergasted at how much they knew about what I've been through.
ACA Home Page
2. Get a job and KEEP your income. Man, that boosted my self esteem. My boss loved me because I was thorough and attentive to details. I didn't get cut down all the time. I got praised for my hard work. Imagine that!
3. Volunteer your time (if that is possible for you) helping others.
4. Get someone else to watch the kids and go out for coffee with a friend.
5. Go dancing - OMG! it's so fun!
6. Stay away from internet connections - find real people to spend time with, ones you can SEE and discern that they are 'safe.'
7. Do find those people who understand your loneliness. If you pray, ask God to bring those people to you. The ones we choose are not always the best ones, but that's okay. Keep going and those people will show up in your life.
Don't stay where you are - break the isolation. You have the key from the inside and there is a world of possibilities out there for you.
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