A week ago I had a week-long panic attack.
It wasn't the kind that strikes like lightning, knocking you to the floor and making it impossible to breathe.
Instead, it was a low-voltage, continuous frying of my mind, heart and soul. My soul felt bruised. I couldn't sit still, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus...oh, and don't EVEN try to hug me, cuz I will fly off into the outer regions of space and may not be able to find my way back to Earth. I'm serious, here! Extreme, long term panic.
Cognitive Dissonance is a splitting, of sorts, of your mind. It is when a long-held belief is suddenly in dissonance with a behavior. In order to reconcile it, you either have to change your belief or your behavior. It is extremely uncomfortable. It is even more uncomfortable when you don't realize what's happening.
For me, I have long believed that rebellion and anger were in opposition to what God wanted. He wanted me to be a 'nice' Christian woman, yes? The kind of woman like the Proverbs 31 lady. (I can't tell you how many times I wanted to curse that broad!) I was supposed to always have a smile, always do things that bless others, work tirelessly, be creative, always have everything finished, have a house that is always 'company ready'... And my husband and children would rise up and bless me. (Can you hear the sarcasm in that last sentence?)
There WAS that troubling passage of the Bible where Jesus made a whip, knocked over tables and told the money changers they were not fit for heaven. Oh, and how about the one where, in 1 Corinthians 13, we are told that 'love does not keep a record of wrongs?' What the frell?
Okay, back up a moment.
First of all, if you ask people I've spent any amount of time with, they will tell you that I am and do all the above Proverbs 31 things (except for the company ready house - don't judge me.) People have told me that I am bright, loving, hard-working, creative, conscientious, loyal, helpful, etc. It is amazing to me that one Narcissist in my life invalidated all those other peoples' input. (insert face palm here)
Second of all, God did not call us to be 'nice' to everyone. "As far as it is possible for you, get along with everyone." Yes, that makes sense! But it does NOT say that if the other person is lighting your hair on fire every night while you sleep, you should just be 'nice' to them. Okay, that was a little extreme. Chalk it up to my cognitive dissonance.
Thirdly, being a 'nice' Christian wife actually made my Narcissist worse. Gak. He needed me to stand up to him, to tell him 'no.'
We are supposed to have good, solid boundaries. We teach our children that if someone tries to touch them in inappropriate places, they are to speak up, to make it stop. They are not supposed to be 'nice' to these scums. Yes? They are not supposed to just take that kind of treatment because it is a violation of their person. Violence is acceptable, here. Punch the guy in the nose! Kick him in the knee! Do what you can to get away.
Is it appropriate to be angry at such a person? You bet your booty. BE angry. Talk back. Rebel.
So this is what happened to me last week. (No, not the inappropriate touching thing...the cognitive dissonance thing.) My belief system required me to never rebel or get angry. These were sins. And yet, the Bible never said such a thing. You can't take one verse or passage and come to a conclusion. You have to search the whole Bible for the full explanation. I had jumped into 1 Corinthians 13 and forgot to read the rest. Sigh. My Narcissist taught me to never be angry - while he spewed anger through a fire hose.
Thanks to a good friend, I was able to get my head back on straight - maybe it has NEVER been on straight, as far as my Christian faith is concerned. God is a warrior. If there was nothing to fight for, he would not be called by this name. I am called to be a warrior as well. I am supposed to fight. If someone pushes my boundaries (given to me by God) I am supposed to fight back. Call it rebellion. So yes, I'm supposed to be a rebel. I am supposed to be angry at abuse, misuse, neglect, purposeful injury... Yes. And not just to be angry, but to proceed in such a way as to quell the abuse.
Be angry but do not sin in your anger. Lean into the fight. Rebel against wickedness and evil. Put on the full armor of God - and fight so that you are still standing at the end.
*Assuming the fighting stance
Monday, April 21, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
God Knew
There is some debate about how God speaks to us. Is there a big 'boom?' Or a soft whisper? Does he speak only 'in our hearts' or does he use other mediums to get our attention? In my experience, He speaks in many ways. Most importantly, He meets us where we live. Right here, up close and personal. And yes, He CAN and DOES sometimes speak through an a$$. (Sometimes I think that the story of Balaam's donkey was God's way of saying just that. I know, I know, that's an absolute misrepresentation of the actual MEANING of the story. Put away your lashes.)
Years ago, as I rode the fast train into co-dependency, I had a child-like faith. The years, and especially the co-dependency, have battle-hardened my faith. I work daily to find that child again - hopefully a little wiser, a little more seasoned, but still...child-like. But back then, I had a faith that lived simply, trusting God for every little thing. Child-like faith is one of the casualties of living with a narcissist.
Don't get me wrong, I still have faith. It's just a little...tired.
One time, my oldest daughter needed clothes. We were on a budget of $40/week for groceries. I had 3 little ones in diapers. She wanted red pants. Needless to say, there was no money for red pants. So we prayed.
A couple of weeks later, a friend gave her a bag of clothes she'd grown out of. We went through each item - yeah that'll work. That's a good one. etc. We went through each one until the very last item in the bottom of the bag was revealed - red pants that fit her perfectly. I cried. She jumped for joy. God had just shown my young daughter that He cared about the little details: that He cared about her.
This was a common experience of those days of younger children and little money. We always had enough, somehow, but never more and we saw that God always provided.
During those days, my Narcissist raged. He would accuse me of not caring about him. He would threaten not to come home. Nothing was ever good enough. I was a bane to his existence. He'd be better off without us.
Two things bothered me the most about this; I felt that I would never succeed in pleasing him and I had begun to believe it was my fault.
I took this to God. All I wanted was to bless my husband. It was a good desire. It was biblical. But when I begged God with this question, His answer came through loud and clear. "He can't receive a blessing." This was over 15 years ago and I knew nothing of narcissism then. But God knew. There was no doubt that these had been God's words.
That same year there was another message from God. It was so loud, I think I went deaf for a moment. It came as we played a role-play card game. This was when Dungeons and Dragons was big and the Christian community was awash with righteous indignation over it. I had refused to play it because I was a 'careful Christian' and I wasn't sure it wasn't something God hated. A clear conscience is another casualty of living with a narcissist. The game was called Talisman. It required each player to create a character. His character was 'chaotic' and mine was 'orderly.' God's voice drowned out everything else. He said, "He will create chaos in your life and expect you to keep order out of that chaos. But you will not succeed." Narcissism.
Both of these messages from God were very clear. This did not mean that I understood their full meaning, mind you.
What impresses me now is that God told me about NPD, all those years ago, before I knew a doggone thing about it.
God knew.
This gives me great comfort because none of this is a surprise to Him. He cares about my narcissist. He cares about me. He cares about my children. And He knows.
He leads me out of bondage because he wants me to live in liberty. It's not an easy road out of bondage - the wilderness is a hard place to be. But God will not leave me there.
I may have just heard the voice of child-like faith.
Years ago, as I rode the fast train into co-dependency, I had a child-like faith. The years, and especially the co-dependency, have battle-hardened my faith. I work daily to find that child again - hopefully a little wiser, a little more seasoned, but still...child-like. But back then, I had a faith that lived simply, trusting God for every little thing. Child-like faith is one of the casualties of living with a narcissist.
Don't get me wrong, I still have faith. It's just a little...tired.
One time, my oldest daughter needed clothes. We were on a budget of $40/week for groceries. I had 3 little ones in diapers. She wanted red pants. Needless to say, there was no money for red pants. So we prayed.
A couple of weeks later, a friend gave her a bag of clothes she'd grown out of. We went through each item - yeah that'll work. That's a good one. etc. We went through each one until the very last item in the bottom of the bag was revealed - red pants that fit her perfectly. I cried. She jumped for joy. God had just shown my young daughter that He cared about the little details: that He cared about her.
This was a common experience of those days of younger children and little money. We always had enough, somehow, but never more and we saw that God always provided.
During those days, my Narcissist raged. He would accuse me of not caring about him. He would threaten not to come home. Nothing was ever good enough. I was a bane to his existence. He'd be better off without us.
Two things bothered me the most about this; I felt that I would never succeed in pleasing him and I had begun to believe it was my fault.
I took this to God. All I wanted was to bless my husband. It was a good desire. It was biblical. But when I begged God with this question, His answer came through loud and clear. "He can't receive a blessing." This was over 15 years ago and I knew nothing of narcissism then. But God knew. There was no doubt that these had been God's words.
That same year there was another message from God. It was so loud, I think I went deaf for a moment. It came as we played a role-play card game. This was when Dungeons and Dragons was big and the Christian community was awash with righteous indignation over it. I had refused to play it because I was a 'careful Christian' and I wasn't sure it wasn't something God hated. A clear conscience is another casualty of living with a narcissist. The game was called Talisman. It required each player to create a character. His character was 'chaotic' and mine was 'orderly.' God's voice drowned out everything else. He said, "He will create chaos in your life and expect you to keep order out of that chaos. But you will not succeed." Narcissism.
Both of these messages from God were very clear. This did not mean that I understood their full meaning, mind you.
What impresses me now is that God told me about NPD, all those years ago, before I knew a doggone thing about it.
God knew.
This gives me great comfort because none of this is a surprise to Him. He cares about my narcissist. He cares about me. He cares about my children. And He knows.
He leads me out of bondage because he wants me to live in liberty. It's not an easy road out of bondage - the wilderness is a hard place to be. But God will not leave me there.
I may have just heard the voice of child-like faith.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)