God Knew

There is some debate about how God speaks to us. Is there a big 'boom?' Or a soft whisper? Does he speak only 'in our hearts' or does he use other mediums to get our attention? In my experience, He speaks in many ways. Most importantly, He meets us where we live. Right here, up close and personal. And yes, He CAN and DOES sometimes speak through an a$$. (Sometimes I think that the story of Balaam's donkey was God's way of saying just that. I know, I know, that's an absolute misrepresentation of the actual MEANING of the story. Put away your lashes.)

Years ago, as I rode the fast train into co-dependency, I had a child-like faith. The years, and especially the co-dependency, have battle-hardened my faith. I work daily to find that child again - hopefully a little wiser, a little more seasoned, but still...child-like. But back then, I had a faith that lived simply, trusting God for every little thing. Child-like faith is one of the casualties of living with a narcissist. 

Don't get me wrong, I still have faith. It's just a little...tired.

One time, my oldest daughter needed clothes. We were on a budget of $40/week for groceries. I had 3 little ones in diapers. She wanted red pants. Needless to say, there was no money for red pants. So we prayed.
A couple of weeks later, a friend gave her a bag of clothes she'd grown out of. We went through each item - yeah that'll work. That's a good one. etc. We went through each one until the very last item in the bottom of the bag was revealed - red pants that fit her perfectly. I cried. She jumped for joy. God had just shown my young daughter that He cared about the little details: that He cared about her.

This was a common experience of those days of younger children and little money. We always had enough, somehow, but never more and we saw that God always provided.

During those days, my Narcissist raged. He would accuse me of not caring about him. He would threaten not to come home. Nothing was ever good enough. I was a bane to his existence. He'd be better off without us.
Two things bothered me the most about this; I felt that I would never succeed in pleasing him and I had begun to believe it was my fault.

I took this to God. All I wanted was to bless my husband. It was a good desire. It was biblical. But when I begged God with this question, His answer came through loud and clear. "He can't receive a blessing." This was over 15 years ago and I knew nothing of narcissism then. But God knew. There was no doubt that these had been God's words.

That same year there was another message from God. It was so loud, I think I went deaf for a moment. It came as we played a role-play card game. This was when Dungeons and Dragons was big and the Christian community was awash with righteous indignation over it. I had refused to play it because I was a 'careful Christian' and I wasn't sure it wasn't something God hated. A clear conscience is another casualty of living with a narcissist. The game was called Talisman. It required each player to create a character. His character was 'chaotic' and mine was 'orderly.' God's voice drowned out everything else. He said, "He will create chaos in your life and expect you to keep order out of that chaos. But you will not succeed." Narcissism.

Both of these messages from God were very clear. This did not mean that I understood their full meaning, mind you.

What impresses me now is that God told me about NPD, all those years ago, before I knew a doggone thing about it.

God knew.

This gives me great comfort because none of this is a surprise to Him. He cares about my narcissist. He cares about me. He cares about my children. And He knows.

He leads me out of bondage because he wants me to live in liberty. It's not an easy road out of bondage - the wilderness is a hard place to be. But God will not leave me there.

I may have just heard the voice of child-like faith.