Connections

Connections are important.

I have found myself, for years, trying to find those connections, talking too much and sharing too much with too many people. You know the connections I mean. They recognize that you have a real situation on your hands. They may not have answers, but there is compassion in their eyes. They don't give you platitudes, they don't tell you you simply need to forgive (implying once again that an integral part of your problem is your own unwillingness to do what God wants) or that if you just try harder and love deeper, the narcissist's hatred will dissolve into love for you because 'that's what love does.'

We cannot do this alone. We've been doing it alone for so long we may have forgotten how to reach out correctly. Our boundaries are plowed under and we no longer know where they used to be.

This is a symptom of C-PTSD. http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html Constant warfare, even when you're sleeping, causes an erosion of your will. You just 'hit the wall' and can't go any further.

So you reach out. Only to be told that 'it takes two to tango.' Not everyone is safe. For me, I tend to believe the best in people. It's one reason I have stayed with my Narcissist for so long. But it's not safe to share your pain with everyone. Not everyone can handle your pain, either, even if they care about you.

I went to an ACA meeting last week. http://www.adultchildren.org/ It was an excruciating meeting. Instead of crying, I pushed aside my emotions. That's my tendency - push it aside because if I let myself feel, I will fracture into a million pieces and even God won't be able to put me back together. I know that last is not a true statement...it's just how I 'feel.' I'm scared. I don't want my life to look or feel or be this way.

I'm going back to the meeting again this week. Last week, a man showed compassion toward me when I shared a glimpse of my story. Really? There are people like these ACA members? For a long time I've known that I cannot handle compassion. If you show me real compassion I will melt like the witch in The Wizard of Oz. But I'm going back. I'm bracing myself. But I'm going back.