What Is a
Narcissist?
The first
thing you need to understand is that there is a spectrum. If simple selfishness
is at one end of the spectrum, then psychotic self-love is at the other.
Apparently there are up to 9 different types of narcissists as well. Every
narcissist is different because each one brings his own unique personality,
learning style and family history with him. It has been said that some
narcissism is good. Taking care of yourself is a good thing, right? You can’t
love others well (maybe even not at all!) if you don’t love yourself first.
The
narcissist does not have the ability to feel good about himself, so he feeds
off those around him, yeah, like a vampire. Strangely enough, while lacking any
real self-esteem, they appear to
think that the world could not revolve without them. This is because they must appear to be ‘all together’ at all costs to protect their fragile psyche. They must feel
good, or they will come unraveled.
Consider Gaston
from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast:
Selfishness
is the key motivating factor for Gaston. Real or imagined insults plummet him
into depression. If he finds others annoying, he punches them across the room.
He feeds off the adoration of those around him. He must be the center of
attention. Gaston often blames and devalues others. He is always right. He is
the most valued person in his world.
It is
important to recognize that his obsession with Belle is not because he
loves her, but because she would bring him status due to her beauty. It is not
unreasonable that, once he ‘owned’ her, she would not be able to stay on that pedestal
indefinitely and the honeymoon would end with his extreme disappointment. His
expectations of her are demeaning, unreasonable and unachievable.
Two
prominent traits of narcissists seem to persist across the board: lack of
empathy, and rage. They cannot understand the feelings of other people. To
acknowledge them would require them to feel bad (we don’t all feel good all the
time). My narcissist told our counselor that ‘emotions have no place in the
discussion.’ Yet, less than a week later, he accused his family of ‘always
letting him down all the time,’ and that I was ‘not validating his feelings.’
Doh!
Rage appears
to be the only expression of emotion they can handle (perhaps because it makes
them feel big. All other emotions are
anathema to them. It has been pointed out that rage is not an emotion, however. Anger is an emotion. Rage is an
action. It is a berserker, a Tasmanian Devil, spinning, frothing at the mouth, shrapnel-throwing
event.
My research
indicates that the rages are a response to vulnerable, worthless feelings,
something a narcissist refuses to acknowledge. They simply can’t allow those
emotions to cause a tear in their universe, so they eject from them. In one of
my narcissist’s milder rages, he told one of his 7-year-old sons that he didn’t
want him anymore. When I looked at him in horror, he responded with, “Well???”
He felt completely justified in this slaughter because he felt he’d been let
down by his little boy. Let that one sink in for a moment.
The
narcissist is a control freak. In my case, if he doesn't want to make a
decision, he forces it on someone else (usually me). This still keeps him in
control, but he has no responsibility for the outcome. The effect of
micro-managing everyone is devastating. They become dependent on him, financially
or otherwise. They begin to doubt their own ability to make proper decisions,
especially because he is often unhappy with the outcome when others decide.
Another habit of my narcissist was to tell me that if I didn't start doing what
he wanted, he would just not come home. He threatened abandonment for minor infractions.
The implication is that we really could not have any kind of ‘normal’ life
without him.
Addiction is a prominent trait of narcissists. Apparently porn is a drug of choice. These
addictions help them to escape from the painful emotions that haunt them and
the ‘trauma’ of being ‘mistreated’ by those around them. Pornography also incites a very demeaning view of women.
Gaslighting
is a strange and very disconcerting habit of narcissists. They will say or do
things and when you remind them of it, they will say they didn't say or do
that. Too much of this, and you begin to think your mind is unstable. One
article I read said that her narcissist would move things and tell her he hadn't.
She said she had put creamer in her coffee and then put it away. When she came
back to the kitchen, it was sitting by her coffee again. This happened 3 or 4
times in a row. When she questioned him, he was adamant that he had not done
it. The fear of losing one’s mind makes one dependent on the ‘sane’ person. If
I can’t think for myself or trust my own judgment, then I become dependent, out
of necessity.
There are
other things, like lying (both to themselves and everyone else) that are
patterns of behavior. A search on the internet will show you more than I have
here.
A person who
exhibits these traits occasionally does not necessarily have NPD (Narcissistic
Personality Disorder – the psychotic end of the spectrum). The existence of
narcissistic traits does not a Narc make. However, if all of these traits are
present, most (if not all) of the time, the person has developed a lifestyle of
narcissism and could have some form of NPD.
Narcissists are always right. For
that reason, they will not seek help. YOU are the problem. YOU should get help.
This is why so many articles I’ve read, including Psychology Today, say that
there is no cure for this personality disorder. You must first realize your
error, then seek help and endeavor to change before any real healing can take
place. When I realized this, it made so much sense to me. All I’ve ever seen
appears to be ‘behavior modification.’ Because of this, there is little hope of
developing a normal relationship with this ‘not normal’ person.
