Narcissists ‘Normalize’ Their Abnormalities

Everyone makes jokes about the word “normal,” but there is a range. Am I wrong? I think not!

          Once, we drove past a man and woman standing by the side of the road. They were obviously arguing and he slapped her across the face. He leaned over her, yelled and she tried to move away from him, but he followed her. We stopped and my husband got out of the car, walked up to her and asked if she needed help. Why? Well, because treating someone that way is not ‘normal.’ She was afraid. He was hurting her.

          There is a little voice inside of us that raises a red flag when we see, hear or experience things that are in some way ‘off.’ We instinctively know that there is a problem, even if we are not certain of the nature or degree of the error.

          I was a little miffed at my husband.

          I know, now you’re thinking I’m not normal. I mean, what he did was a good thing, right?

          The problem was not that he was trying to help, but that many times he had yelled in my face until I had to back up to get away from him. I could not reconcile the polar opposites of those two behaviors. I was angry and confused. I felt betrayed. Why would he protect her?

          There are two points I would like to make.

1)    Narcissists will often ‘call out’ others who do the same things they do that are not acceptable. It is a confounding weirdness that they can see it when others do it, but their own similar actions are justified and you are being disrespectful if you protest. In doing this…

2)    Narcissists ‘normalize’ abusive behavior for your relationship. My narcissist would stand over me and yell, throw things, curse, accuse, and generally throw a two-year-old raging tantrum. Keep in mind that a 200lb man is considerably scarier than a two-year-old. We would scatter through the house, scrambling to pick things up and to stay out of his way, hoping somehow to appease the raging animal and bring an end to the tirade.

This is not normal.

But it was normal for us.

We accepted it because it was normal for us.

How did this happen? Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t remember if it crept into our lives or if Mr. Hyde suddenly made an appearance one day.

By the way, the state of disarray of my house was really not that terrible, considering there were 7 children and a big dog running through it all day. But, and here is a key point (you must remember this!) IT DOESN'T MATTER. No matter how messy the house was, it is not normal to rage at your family.

          This was years ago. In my journey out of co-dependency I have come a long way. It’s easy to let the pendulum swing all the way to the other side. If you let that happen, you are still violating your conscience by letting things go and not keeping the chaos at bay. Really, much of life is reordering the chaos. It keeps you sane. It calms you. It lifts you up.

          So…my goals these days are several.

1.    Keep the chaos at bay. Pick up, clean up, organize, follow through..

2.    Instruct my children to recognize the chaos and combat it.

3.    Prioritize. The narcissist creates chaos and you can find yourself spending the whole day putting out fires. I STILL find myself spending a LOT of time just getting the house READY to clean because the chaos takes over. But if you prioritize, at least you know you’re slaying those dragons.

4.    Chaos comes in several forms. It isn't just the bombs that go off and keep your house in disarray. It can be chaotic words. I am training my thinking so that what comes out of my mouth creates order, not chaos. AND, again, I’m teaching my children the same.

5.    One last thing: Pray that God will restore your joy in doing the things that need to be done. He WILL answer that prayer. It gives him joy to give you joy.

Make THIS your normal.

Carry on.