Killing Me With Kindness

Sometimes the hardest part of living with the Narcissist "swing" is the calm. He's quiet, attentive, even solicitous. It is maddening to have him make me dinner, for instance, and even serve it to me, in front of a friend, knowing that not long ago he made dinner for himself and everyone else BUT me. No, I can't prove he did this to punish me because I wasn't the one who made dinner for him. (I'd started working later hours and he was home sooner than I was.) But what decent person does something for an entire family EXCEPT for one person? There was no apology or explanation. He just served everyone in front of me and then sat down to eat his dinner. Of course while he's serving me dinner in front of my friend, she exclaims how sweet it was. Did he do it because he was being kind? Maybe. I thanked him. But now I'm watching for that infamous "other shoe." Again. Past experience has led me to believe it is waiting in the wings. Since I am a person who desires to see the best in others, for me, this is a slow death.

Financial Abuse

Most everything on this site feels so familiar...

I don't want to share the entire website as my blog, but this one is worth mentioning:

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/financial_control.html

Way back when the kids were little, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I had to take over the handling of the checkbook and the paying of bills. If I didn't do this, he would end up yelling at the kids. He told me I had no choice.

As a side note, here, a friend cut me off after hearing this story by saying that this was him setting boundaries for himself. Um...no.

Anyway, he ended up yelling at the kids (and me) so my compliance did not nothing to prevent it. Then he would take money out of my purse and I would have nothing to buy groceries. Money was tight in those days, so a missing $20 was several days worth of food.

Once, we were using American Express. At that time, the entire balance was required for each payment. The balance got higher and higher until I could not pay the whole balance. I told him about this but he gave me that "You're out of your mind" look and went about his business. Then, when they denied the card, he came home in a rage because I obviously wasn't handling the money correctly.

This is only one of many instances in which I was told I didn't handle money correctly - even though he required that I take care of it.

At one point I asked him (bravely) to take the check book and paying of bills back. He said he would. Whew! But then he seethed for nearly 3 weeks. And I can't count the number of times he told me, "Now that the checkbook is back under control..."

Insert face palm and weak primal scream here.

Now, he 'needs' my paycheck, which would effectively leave me without any money because I have to ask for anything that comes out of the mutual account. In fact, one day at the grocery store, I asked for something..."What are you going to give up in order to get that?" he asked. O.O

I don't have any answers to this, because I still have trouble saying 'no' to him. I'm conditioned to respond in his favor. Since I'm a prisoner to his whims...well, all I can say is that I'm packing my things.

RAGE

I found this article about rage and thought it was good. As I read these things, clarity often comes to me - "Oh, that's what is going on!"

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/rage.html

This part, in particular, in extremely familiar to me:

"An outburst can occur several times a day, or every few months. The outburst is followed by a period when the primary aggressor's arousal is low and they may act kindly or remorseful. This is sometimes called the honeymoon period. The desire for control remains however."

This, too, is amazingly familiar:

"Survivors that are in relationship with a raging person feel the effects of the rage all the time because they are walking on eggshells trying to prevent an outburst. The primary aggressor, on the other hand, after an episode both tends to feel better, and to quickly develop 'amnesia' about what happened."



http://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/15/the-cycle-of-abuse-in-a-relationship-with-the-sociopath-or-narcissist/

It is confirming to me that I'm not just imagining this. For what that's worth.

Oh Solo Mio

I think one of the hardest parts of living with a narcissist is being alone. I once told a friend (who knows the size of our family) and he said, "Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" I guess it does. But, truly, I am alone in everything I do. There are the odd occasions in which I will do something with him and we will have a nice time. But those are rare. Mostly, I have to defend my position, my opinion, my heart, from hostile attacks - alone. I parent - alone. I am responsible to 'hold the roof up' - alone. If it didn't get done, I am responsible. If it was done 'wrong,' I am responsible. If the kids did it wrong, I feel guilty for his tirade against them.

Enough!

My counselor encouraged me to find a group of people I can trust, who actually are there for me. She understood the 'lonesomeness.' I tried to make that happen and discovered that some of my good friends are not those people. That's okay. God showed me a few who really are there and who really 'get it.'

It is part of my dysfunction from the narcissistic abuse that I find it deathly discouraging to have people tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sure there are times that I really don't. And I've changed my mind often enough to know that my first (or longest) held belief is not always accurate.

I found a new friend today who 'gets it.' She grew up with a narcissist father. I latched onto her very quickly and she shared freely some of her perspective. When someone else knows it is like life was just breathed back into you. I have lived with the porcupine attacks for so long, I think I just accepted them as a normal part of life. (I have another blog entry about how the N normalizes his dysfunctional behavior.) So I described to her the recent event with my daughter falling down the stairs and her response was, "OMG! Get out!"

One of her episodes: When she was about 30ish, her father disowned her for not giving him the right fork. Seriously. They didn't talk to each other for a long time (silent treatment).

I share this because there are others out there who believe they are no good, or that they are responsible for everything because their narcissist has told them over and over. They haven't discovered yet that it's all lies. If sharing my story can help one person, the time it takes to post these blog entries is worth it.

I know I ramble, sorry. Back to 'being alone.'

This is not the same kind of loneliness that you have BEING alone. Being with someone who disregards you is a different kind of loneliness. It's like being able to see the food on the other side of the glass but not able to get through the glass to eat it - and you're starving.

There once was a fish in a tank. The scientist had a glass wall he could insert into the tank. The experiment was to see how the fish would respond to a shrinking environment. So he put the false wall in, an inch from the end of the tank. The fish bumped into it at first, but soon learned where the 'wall' was and stopped trying. So the scientist moved the false wall an inch closer. Again, the fish bumped into the wall at first, but soon learned it was a firm barrier so he just accepted it. This was repeated until the fish only had an inch left in his tank. The fish accepted it. But his health declined.

This is how a narcissist isolates you. Little by little, he chops off your world until all you know is what he wants you to know. All you see is what he wants you to see.

I couldn't go out anywhere and leave him with the kids - I would come home and they would be crying and things would be broken. He would scream at me when I got home. It was not worth putting my children through that, so I decided to never leave him with them again.

And yet...he went out whenever he wanted. In fact, we couldn't afford a babysitter, so he told me he was going out every Friday night and I HAD to let him do it. I had no choice. I believed him, so off he went, earlier and earlier each Friday and coming home later and later...1am...3am... he did this for over a year.

I couldn't do anything at home that did not involve serving him. So phone calls to friends were out of the question. And yet, during dinner one night, he found out a friend (a girl, of course) was ill, so he left the dinner table to call her. I was late putting dinner on the table one night because a friend called to find out what 'all this salvation stuff was about.' OMG, he was angry. He slammed things on the table, yelled at the kids... I finally had to hang up before I was able to share anything real with her.

isolation...

alone. all the time.

You can break the isolation. Get away from him/her and experience real people. Because that is what you will find. You have to be careful not to let another narcissist into your life, but go out and meet people. You'll be amazed. And this is a first step in healing.

Here are some ideas:

1. Go to ACA meetings. I was flabbergasted at how much they knew about what I've been through.

ACA Home Page

2. Get a job and KEEP your income. Man, that boosted my self esteem. My boss loved me because I was thorough and attentive to details. I didn't get cut down all the time. I got praised for my hard work. Imagine that!
3. Volunteer your time (if that is possible for you) helping others.
4. Get someone else to watch the kids and go out for coffee with a friend.
5. Go dancing - OMG! it's so fun!
6. Stay away from internet connections - find real people to spend time with, ones you can SEE and discern that they are 'safe.'
7. Do find those people who understand your loneliness. If you pray, ask God to bring those people to you. The ones we choose are not always the best ones, but that's okay. Keep going and those people will show up in your life.

Don't stay where you are - break the isolation. You have the key from the inside and there is a world of possibilities out there for you.

Stressed? or PTSD?

I found the following blog today and wanted to share it with you. It's about the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. I found it to be very accurate, based on my own experience.

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/01/narcissists-cause-ptsd-for-their.html

What is interesting to me is that PTSD, often associated with war trauma, can become C-PTSD under constant vigilance with a narcissist. The person gets locked in to the reactive nature of PTSD and can even alter their physical/brain chemistry. What intrigues me is that this is likely how a narcissist is 'made.' Trauma to a young person, constant threat, abuse, abandonment...the list goes on...can cause a person to 'deal' with their life by creating a 'false self,' resulting in narcissism. Brain scans can often find these alterations in narcissists.

What encourages me is that there is help. Don't give up if you find yourself in this situation. You CAN overcome.

Episodes

I tend to have a sparkly sense of humor. I'm sorry, but this post will not have evidence of it.

I am considering that, at some point, people will be reading this and wondering where I am. It's out there for anyone to read. I think that's okay.

People can't always deal with your chronic pain as you try to live in harmony with a Narcissist. It's like emotional cancer. So, many have stopped listening to me. One refused to answer an email I sent. One said they don't want to talk about it. Some have told me I just need to forgive and since I haven't there's nothing more to talk about. It's okay...they can't deal with it. It just means I have to put on my big girl panties and do what my chronic fear says I can't. Perhaps this is becoming my record, so that when the fit hits the shan I can point and click instead of trying to explain. Again. I don't know...maybe no one will want to know? It is a possibility. I may go down in history as the deranged, selfish, uncaring person my husband believes me to be.

See, I've learned a terrible truth about the last 27 years. I've been a pawn. I've been a play thing. Now that I know, I can't un-know it. And this means that something has to change. I refuse to die to it. So here you go - I'll keep posting and you promise to keep reading. Or just promise to read it when I disappear. Cuz I just might have to.

Tonight was another episode. Had one earlier this week (the condescending, accusing, hate-filled eyes) over a small thing that could be easily fixed and used as a learning opportunity, but CAN'T because his ego was challenged by a neighbor's call. If we would just do things correctly, his reputation would not be sullied.

But back to tonight...my 16yo daughter fell down the stairs on her tail bone. Several of us were in the kitchen and we heard a thump (but I thought it was upstairs, not out front on the stairs). We did not hear anything else. If I'd been alone, I would now be questioning why I have the right to continue being a mother. But there were at least 2 others there who also did not hear anything. She was crying. Loudly. But we simply didn't hear.

My husband heard because, I guess, he was by our upstairs window and the sound came in unobstructed. I don't know. A moment after the thump, my grand daughter was at the door and my husband was stampeding down the stairs from our room, yelling at me about how stupid I am that I just ignored our daughter's screaming. By this time, she had made it in the front door. For another 5 minutes, he berated me about how terrible it is that I didn't even bother to check out the problem. JEEZ! Meanwhile, she is standing next to me, crying. I can't even tend to her because I'm deflecting his tirade. (In retrospect, I could have forcibly ignored him and tended to her, but in the moment, I was in blocking mode. This time, I yelled back - but he obviously didn't hear what I said.)

He still continued. Waving his arms. Huffing. Tirading. Tasmanian Devil, on the loose.

One of my older sons said to his dad, "I'm sorry we inconvenienced you." No response.

In a few moments, my husband came back to the kitchen to tell me he was sorry he 'snapped' at me, but it was just so terrible that I would hear a loud thump and not go to see what it was. (In fact, I thought it was upstairs and was headed up to see if someone had fallen up there.)

I couldn't respond to him. I just couldn't. I had nothing to say. Oh, I had a whole BUNCH of things I wanted to say. But I'm not that person.

He'd just told me several things. 1. In the time it took him to chew me out, he could have been helping his daughter. 2. He really DOES think I'm a terrible human being. I mean what kind of mother hears the cries of her child and ignores them, right? *insert sarcasm here 3. Since he went to bed without a further word while I'm still up through the night, it wasn't about helping her. 4. His apology was more about further accusations than any real concern about the way he'd talked to me.

Welcome to my life.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want this to be true of my life anymore.

Connections

Connections are important.

I have found myself, for years, trying to find those connections, talking too much and sharing too much with too many people. You know the connections I mean. They recognize that you have a real situation on your hands. They may not have answers, but there is compassion in their eyes. They don't give you platitudes, they don't tell you you simply need to forgive (implying once again that an integral part of your problem is your own unwillingness to do what God wants) or that if you just try harder and love deeper, the narcissist's hatred will dissolve into love for you because 'that's what love does.'

We cannot do this alone. We've been doing it alone for so long we may have forgotten how to reach out correctly. Our boundaries are plowed under and we no longer know where they used to be.

This is a symptom of C-PTSD. http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html Constant warfare, even when you're sleeping, causes an erosion of your will. You just 'hit the wall' and can't go any further.

So you reach out. Only to be told that 'it takes two to tango.' Not everyone is safe. For me, I tend to believe the best in people. It's one reason I have stayed with my Narcissist for so long. But it's not safe to share your pain with everyone. Not everyone can handle your pain, either, even if they care about you.

I went to an ACA meeting last week. http://www.adultchildren.org/ It was an excruciating meeting. Instead of crying, I pushed aside my emotions. That's my tendency - push it aside because if I let myself feel, I will fracture into a million pieces and even God won't be able to put me back together. I know that last is not a true statement...it's just how I 'feel.' I'm scared. I don't want my life to look or feel or be this way.

I'm going back to the meeting again this week. Last week, a man showed compassion toward me when I shared a glimpse of my story. Really? There are people like these ACA members? For a long time I've known that I cannot handle compassion. If you show me real compassion I will melt like the witch in The Wizard of Oz. But I'm going back. I'm bracing myself. But I'm going back.

Cognitive Dissonance - Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

A week ago I had a week-long panic attack.

It wasn't the kind that strikes like lightning, knocking you to the floor and making it impossible to breathe.

Instead, it was a low-voltage, continuous frying of my mind, heart and soul. My soul felt bruised. I couldn't sit still, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus...oh, and don't EVEN try to hug me, cuz I will fly off into the outer regions of space and may not be able to find my way back to Earth. I'm serious, here! Extreme, long term panic.

Cognitive Dissonance is a splitting, of sorts, of your mind. It is when a long-held belief is suddenly in dissonance with a behavior. In order to reconcile it, you either have to change your belief or your behavior. It is extremely uncomfortable. It is even more uncomfortable when you don't realize what's happening.

For me, I have long believed that rebellion and anger were in opposition to what God wanted. He wanted me to be a 'nice' Christian woman, yes? The kind of woman like the Proverbs 31 lady. (I can't tell you how many times I wanted to curse that broad!) I was supposed to always have a smile, always do things that bless others, work tirelessly, be creative, always have everything finished, have a house that is always 'company ready'... And my husband and children would rise up and bless me. (Can you hear the sarcasm in that last sentence?)

There WAS that troubling passage of the Bible where Jesus made a whip, knocked over tables and told the money changers they were not fit for heaven. Oh, and how about the one where, in 1 Corinthians 13, we are told that 'love does not keep a record of wrongs?' What the frell?

Okay, back up a moment.

First of all, if you ask people I've spent any amount of time with, they will tell you that I am and do all the above Proverbs 31 things (except for the company ready house - don't judge me.) People have told me that I am bright, loving, hard-working, creative, conscientious, loyal, helpful, etc. It is amazing to me that one Narcissist in my life invalidated all those other peoples' input. (insert face palm here)

Second of all, God did not call us to be 'nice' to everyone. "As far as it is possible for you, get along with everyone." Yes, that makes sense! But it does NOT say that if the other person is lighting your hair on fire every night while you sleep, you should just be 'nice' to them. Okay, that was a little extreme. Chalk it up to my cognitive dissonance.

Thirdly, being a 'nice' Christian wife actually made my Narcissist worse. Gak. He needed me to stand up to him, to tell him 'no.'

We are supposed to have good, solid boundaries. We teach our children that if someone tries to touch them in inappropriate places, they are to speak up, to make it stop. They are not supposed to be 'nice' to these scums. Yes? They are not supposed to just take that kind of treatment because it is a violation of their person. Violence is acceptable, here. Punch the guy in the nose! Kick him in the knee! Do what you can to get away.

Is it appropriate to be angry at such a person? You bet your booty. BE angry. Talk back. Rebel.

So this is what happened to me last week. (No, not the inappropriate touching thing...the cognitive dissonance thing.) My belief system required me to never rebel or get angry. These were sins. And yet, the Bible never said such a thing. You can't take one verse or passage and come to a conclusion. You have to search the whole Bible for the full explanation. I had jumped into 1 Corinthians 13 and forgot to read the rest. Sigh. My Narcissist taught me to never be angry - while he spewed anger through a fire hose.

Thanks to a good friend, I was able to get my head back on straight - maybe it has NEVER been on straight, as far as my Christian faith is concerned. God is a warrior. If there was nothing to fight for, he would not be called by this name. I am called to be a warrior as well. I am supposed to fight. If someone pushes my boundaries (given to me by God) I am supposed to fight back. Call it rebellion. So yes, I'm supposed to be a rebel. I am supposed to be angry at abuse, misuse, neglect, purposeful injury... Yes. And not just to be angry, but to proceed in such a way as to quell the abuse.

Be angry but do not sin in your anger. Lean into the fight. Rebel against wickedness and evil. Put on the full armor of God - and fight so that you are still standing at the end.

*Assuming the fighting stance

God Knew

There is some debate about how God speaks to us. Is there a big 'boom?' Or a soft whisper? Does he speak only 'in our hearts' or does he use other mediums to get our attention? In my experience, He speaks in many ways. Most importantly, He meets us where we live. Right here, up close and personal. And yes, He CAN and DOES sometimes speak through an a$$. (Sometimes I think that the story of Balaam's donkey was God's way of saying just that. I know, I know, that's an absolute misrepresentation of the actual MEANING of the story. Put away your lashes.)

Years ago, as I rode the fast train into co-dependency, I had a child-like faith. The years, and especially the co-dependency, have battle-hardened my faith. I work daily to find that child again - hopefully a little wiser, a little more seasoned, but still...child-like. But back then, I had a faith that lived simply, trusting God for every little thing. Child-like faith is one of the casualties of living with a narcissist. 

Don't get me wrong, I still have faith. It's just a little...tired.

One time, my oldest daughter needed clothes. We were on a budget of $40/week for groceries. I had 3 little ones in diapers. She wanted red pants. Needless to say, there was no money for red pants. So we prayed.
A couple of weeks later, a friend gave her a bag of clothes she'd grown out of. We went through each item - yeah that'll work. That's a good one. etc. We went through each one until the very last item in the bottom of the bag was revealed - red pants that fit her perfectly. I cried. She jumped for joy. God had just shown my young daughter that He cared about the little details: that He cared about her.

This was a common experience of those days of younger children and little money. We always had enough, somehow, but never more and we saw that God always provided.

During those days, my Narcissist raged. He would accuse me of not caring about him. He would threaten not to come home. Nothing was ever good enough. I was a bane to his existence. He'd be better off without us.
Two things bothered me the most about this; I felt that I would never succeed in pleasing him and I had begun to believe it was my fault.

I took this to God. All I wanted was to bless my husband. It was a good desire. It was biblical. But when I begged God with this question, His answer came through loud and clear. "He can't receive a blessing." This was over 15 years ago and I knew nothing of narcissism then. But God knew. There was no doubt that these had been God's words.

That same year there was another message from God. It was so loud, I think I went deaf for a moment. It came as we played a role-play card game. This was when Dungeons and Dragons was big and the Christian community was awash with righteous indignation over it. I had refused to play it because I was a 'careful Christian' and I wasn't sure it wasn't something God hated. A clear conscience is another casualty of living with a narcissist. The game was called Talisman. It required each player to create a character. His character was 'chaotic' and mine was 'orderly.' God's voice drowned out everything else. He said, "He will create chaos in your life and expect you to keep order out of that chaos. But you will not succeed." Narcissism.

Both of these messages from God were very clear. This did not mean that I understood their full meaning, mind you.

What impresses me now is that God told me about NPD, all those years ago, before I knew a doggone thing about it.

God knew.

This gives me great comfort because none of this is a surprise to Him. He cares about my narcissist. He cares about me. He cares about my children. And He knows.

He leads me out of bondage because he wants me to live in liberty. It's not an easy road out of bondage - the wilderness is a hard place to be. But God will not leave me there.

I may have just heard the voice of child-like faith.

Guest Blogger - It's good to hear from others

My first experience with a Narcissist..... 

I realized my ex-husband was a narcissist when I was divorcing him. Not properly diagnosed with Bipolar disorder for years, he was misdiagnosed with seasonal depression etc.. etc.. etc... It wasn't until I had to demand he undergo a complete neuro-psych evaluation in order to see our children did he get the proper diagnosis. Upon a lot of self-evaluation and research, I realized he was indeed a narcissist. It became more and more apparent as time evolved now 2 years post-divorce we are still in court proceedings. He takes and takes and takes.. My home, career, the boys’ sports, etc.. etc.. etc.. I finally realized I have nothing left to give. Even my kids want to stay in his 5 bedroom home with him and his new life.. He left us with nothing. Ruined everything to its core. It is hard to forgive for he is not capable of being the man I once knew. I am tired of being angry, tired of being upset. Sick of the Family court system taking a man’s side vs the woman who raised the children. 

I was a stay at home mother for the majority of the time we were married and had children. I went back to school when my youngest was in his last year of pre-school. Graduated and found part time work while my boys were in school. He moved us around a bit so it was hard for me to find anything permanent or gain the experience I needed in my field. In 2011 I finally found full time work in my field only to work just 7 months before he moved us again for the last time. 2 months into a cross country move he told me to "take the kids and move back east" I was left with no home, no career, no money, 2 kids, & 2 dogs. Thankfully my mom took us in and we have a roof over our head. She also paid for my attorney to get child support from him.. Upon finding out that the family court system expects me to work and support my children the same as him. How can a woman do this? While he was building his career, I was home taking care of my children. I do not have the amount of experience in my field that he does and due to the many moves and the fact I haven't worked in 2 years isn't making it easy to get back into my field. Then I have the day care issue...He doesn't even have to pay alimony in our state. Working a mininum wage job will not allow me to support a household in our area, put food on the table and pay for child care. I don't know the first step to take to get back on my feet. I feel lost in so many ways...

It is hard not to be bitter but I am trying to move on, take care of my children and figure out, at 44, what to do next....Thankfully he is not violent and has never physically hurt our boys but emotionally he has permanently damaged all of us...

Distraught in MA-

Dream Eater

Dreams fuel us. We move forward, pushing ourselves because of goals and dreams. Conversely, having your dreams dashed is devastating. I love Jeremy Camp's song, "I Still Believe," because we don't have to live in that devastation forever. When you're down, don't stay there. Get up. God not only CAN heal our hearts, He intends to. He wants to. It takes time and the loss we've experienced is often permanent, but God heals us, from the inside out.

The narcissist does not want you to have dreams and aspirations. He is stuck in a breach somewhere between 'was' and 'is.' The research indicates that the cause of this 'time warp freeze' is trauma in early childhood. They cannot mature beyond the age at which the trauma occurred.

If he can't, he doesn't want you to.

My narcissist told me that he wanted and expected that I would show interest in his pastimes. But I have yet to see that reciprocated. When I have wanted to achieve something beyond my daily responsibilities, he has shot it down, sometimes viciously. In past years, this cruelty deeply wounded me. Now, because I see the ghosts behind his negativity, I can step back (This is new, so I'll let you know if I can maintain this level of mature detachment) and observe his inability to cheer me on. He simply can't. Just as you do not expect a blind person to see, you do not expect a narcissist to care about anything you want to do to further your ambitions.
So, what do you do?

Be who you are. Live.

1. Always address him as an adult. You are one.
2. Listen respectfully to his viewpoint (even if he's not respectful) and share yours. (Okay, okay, I KNOW this is HARD..Practice, you'll get it - the detachment helps.)
3. Present your case without emotion. BUT you do not need to justify your position to him. (Remember, you're an adult and on equal ground with him.)
4. Make your plans and execute them (not HIM, THEM. he hem). Even if you fail, you'll never know what you can do unless you try. Failure is a learning opportunity, not a disgrace (in spite of his response, to the contrary).
5. If at any time during this process he 'goes off' on you, stand your ground without emotion.

If he gets violent, get out and get help immediately.

6. Sometimes the best response to diffuse the narcissist is to walk away. Just...use good judgment - you know your narcissist. I don't.

My narcissist has told me all the reasons you've ever heard about why I will not succeed at anything. If the winds shift and he will benefit from my success, I'm not, in his opinion, working hard enough to make it happen. (deploy deadpan face)
You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, so you might as well choose your path and walk it. No, run!
He once told me he would no longer offer his opinion because I would just do what I wanted anyway. At the time he said this, I was deeply codependent so I back pedaled. DON'T DO THAT! Remember, you're an adult (I know I keep saying that, but it took me years to realize it). Don't believe the lie that you are disrespectful if you don't do everything he says. You are an intelligent person who can make intelligent choices. Besides, as much as they believe they are right, no one is 100% right 100% of the time.

Rise up, Young Padawan. Learn. Live. Dream. Become accomplished. Fail, and try again. You'll be amazed at how much you grow when you stop letting the narcissist run your life.

Speaking of normal, what is Abuse, anyway?

I'm posting this website (below) because it lays it on the line. What does it lay on the line, you ask? Abuse. Pure and simple.

One of the things my narcissist did regularly was speak of the inability to define abuse. If someone brought up the word, he had (still has) all sorts of arguments about how people say things are abusive because they've made themselves victims (yeah...) or every little thing becomes abuse when someone wants to bring someone else down, etc. It is interesting to me that every conversation I heard him take part in where the word 'abuse' was mentioned, he insisted that the definition was up to interpretation. Basically, in his opinion, there IS no real definition. Curious. He even went so far as to say that correctly disciplining your children could also be considered as abuse by the child or an observer, so really, if you think it is correct, it’s your interpretation... (And yet, when other people did things, he called it what it was – an unsafe environment, etc. This ‘calling out’ of others is an NPD trait.)

Muddying the lines causes confusion and chaos. It causes the one being abused to not do anything, because they are seen as jumping to conclusions, or over-reacting, or being dramatic, or overly sensitive, blah, blah, blah…Ultimately, the abuser lays all blame on the abused.

There HAS to be a definition. I think that seeing what is NOT abuse brings to light a whole garbage can of things that have been swept under the rug. The website below turns on the light and rolls that rug back. Each page addresses both experience and knowledge, helping the readers to develop a criteria to identify abusive behavior. There is even a recorded conversation in which one party was abusive and the other was co-dependent. Much of what I read there, I had written off as my ‘being too sensitive’ because that is what I was told. We all lose it sometimes, yes? But when a relationship is defined by harsh, critical words, (and a whole host of other nasty things) it is no longer a healthy relationship (maybe never was!). There IS a line. Let’s draw that line in the sand and stand our ground, hold our boundaries, no matter what venom is spewed at us for doing so. Yes?

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/ 

Narcissists ‘Normalize’ Their Abnormalities

Everyone makes jokes about the word “normal,” but there is a range. Am I wrong? I think not!

          Once, we drove past a man and woman standing by the side of the road. They were obviously arguing and he slapped her across the face. He leaned over her, yelled and she tried to move away from him, but he followed her. We stopped and my husband got out of the car, walked up to her and asked if she needed help. Why? Well, because treating someone that way is not ‘normal.’ She was afraid. He was hurting her.

          There is a little voice inside of us that raises a red flag when we see, hear or experience things that are in some way ‘off.’ We instinctively know that there is a problem, even if we are not certain of the nature or degree of the error.

          I was a little miffed at my husband.

          I know, now you’re thinking I’m not normal. I mean, what he did was a good thing, right?

          The problem was not that he was trying to help, but that many times he had yelled in my face until I had to back up to get away from him. I could not reconcile the polar opposites of those two behaviors. I was angry and confused. I felt betrayed. Why would he protect her?

          There are two points I would like to make.

1)    Narcissists will often ‘call out’ others who do the same things they do that are not acceptable. It is a confounding weirdness that they can see it when others do it, but their own similar actions are justified and you are being disrespectful if you protest. In doing this…

2)    Narcissists ‘normalize’ abusive behavior for your relationship. My narcissist would stand over me and yell, throw things, curse, accuse, and generally throw a two-year-old raging tantrum. Keep in mind that a 200lb man is considerably scarier than a two-year-old. We would scatter through the house, scrambling to pick things up and to stay out of his way, hoping somehow to appease the raging animal and bring an end to the tirade.

This is not normal.

But it was normal for us.

We accepted it because it was normal for us.

How did this happen? Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t remember if it crept into our lives or if Mr. Hyde suddenly made an appearance one day.

By the way, the state of disarray of my house was really not that terrible, considering there were 7 children and a big dog running through it all day. But, and here is a key point (you must remember this!) IT DOESN'T MATTER. No matter how messy the house was, it is not normal to rage at your family.

          This was years ago. In my journey out of co-dependency I have come a long way. It’s easy to let the pendulum swing all the way to the other side. If you let that happen, you are still violating your conscience by letting things go and not keeping the chaos at bay. Really, much of life is reordering the chaos. It keeps you sane. It calms you. It lifts you up.

          So…my goals these days are several.

1.    Keep the chaos at bay. Pick up, clean up, organize, follow through..

2.    Instruct my children to recognize the chaos and combat it.

3.    Prioritize. The narcissist creates chaos and you can find yourself spending the whole day putting out fires. I STILL find myself spending a LOT of time just getting the house READY to clean because the chaos takes over. But if you prioritize, at least you know you’re slaying those dragons.

4.    Chaos comes in several forms. It isn't just the bombs that go off and keep your house in disarray. It can be chaotic words. I am training my thinking so that what comes out of my mouth creates order, not chaos. AND, again, I’m teaching my children the same.

5.    One last thing: Pray that God will restore your joy in doing the things that need to be done. He WILL answer that prayer. It gives him joy to give you joy.

Make THIS your normal.

Carry on.

What is a Narcissist?

What Is a Narcissist?

The first thing you need to understand is that there is a spectrum. If simple selfishness is at one end of the spectrum, then psychotic self-love is at the other. Apparently there are up to 9 different types of narcissists as well. Every narcissist is different because each one brings his own unique personality, learning style and family history with him. It has been said that some narcissism is good. Taking care of yourself is a good thing, right? You can’t love others well (maybe even not at all!) if you don’t love yourself first.

The narcissist does not have the ability to feel good about himself, so he feeds off those around him, yeah, like a vampire. Strangely enough, while lacking any real self-esteem, they appear to think that the world could not revolve without them. This is because they must appear to be ‘all together’ at all costs to protect their fragile psyche. They must feel good, or they will come unraveled.

Consider Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuJTqmpBnI0

Selfishness is the key motivating factor for Gaston. Real or imagined insults plummet him into depression. If he finds others annoying, he punches them across the room. He feeds off the adoration of those around him. He must be the center of attention. Gaston often blames and devalues others. He is always right. He is the most valued person in his world.

It is important to recognize that his obsession with Belle is not because he loves her, but because she would bring him status due to her beauty. It is not unreasonable that, once he ‘owned’ her, she would not be able to stay on that pedestal indefinitely and the honeymoon would end with his extreme disappointment. His expectations of her are demeaning, unreasonable and unachievable.  

Two prominent traits of narcissists seem to persist across the board: lack of empathy, and rage. They cannot understand the feelings of other people. To acknowledge them would require them to feel bad (we don’t all feel good all the time). My narcissist told our counselor that ‘emotions have no place in the discussion.’ Yet, less than a week later, he accused his family of ‘always letting him down all the time,’ and that I was ‘not validating his feelings.’

Doh!

Rage appears to be the only expression of emotion they can handle (perhaps because it makes them feel big. All other emotions are anathema to them. It has been pointed out that rage is not an emotion, however. Anger is an emotion. Rage is an action. It is a berserker, a Tasmanian Devil, spinning, frothing at the mouth, shrapnel-throwing event.

My research indicates that the rages are a response to vulnerable, worthless feelings, something a narcissist refuses to acknowledge. They simply can’t allow those emotions to cause a tear in their universe, so they eject from them. In one of my narcissist’s milder rages, he told one of his 7-year-old sons that he didn’t want him anymore. When I looked at him in horror, he responded with, “Well???” He felt completely justified in this slaughter because he felt he’d been let down by his little boy. Let that one sink in for a moment.

The narcissist is a control freak. In my case, if he doesn't want to make a decision, he forces it on someone else (usually me). This still keeps him in control, but he has no responsibility for the outcome. The effect of micro-managing everyone is devastating. They become dependent on him, financially or otherwise. They begin to doubt their own ability to make proper decisions, especially because he is often unhappy with the outcome when others decide. Another habit of my narcissist was to tell me that if I didn't start doing what he wanted, he would just not come home. He threatened abandonment for minor infractions. The implication is that we really could not have any kind of ‘normal’ life without him.

Addiction is a prominent trait of narcissists. Apparently porn is a drug of choice. These addictions help them to escape from the painful emotions that haunt them and the ‘trauma’ of being ‘mistreated’ by those around them. Pornography also incites a very demeaning view of women.

Gaslighting is a strange and very disconcerting habit of narcissists. They will say or do things and when you remind them of it, they will say they didn't say or do that. Too much of this, and you begin to think your mind is unstable. One article I read said that her narcissist would move things and tell her he hadn't. She said she had put creamer in her coffee and then put it away. When she came back to the kitchen, it was sitting by her coffee again. This happened 3 or 4 times in a row. When she questioned him, he was adamant that he had not done it. The fear of losing one’s mind makes one dependent on the ‘sane’ person. If I can’t think for myself or trust my own judgment, then I become dependent, out of necessity.

There are other things, like lying (both to themselves and everyone else) that are patterns of behavior. A search on the internet will show you more than I have here.

A person who exhibits these traits occasionally does not necessarily have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder – the psychotic end of the spectrum). The existence of narcissistic traits does not a Narc make. However, if all of these traits are present, most (if not all) of the time, the person has developed a lifestyle of narcissism and could have some form of NPD. 

Narcissists are always right. For that reason, they will not seek help. YOU are the problem. YOU should get help. This is why so many articles I’ve read, including Psychology Today, say that there is no cure for this personality disorder. You must first realize your error, then seek help and endeavor to change before any real healing can take place. When I realized this, it made so much sense to me. All I’ve ever seen appears to be ‘behavior modification.’ Because of this, there is little hope of developing a normal relationship with this ‘not normal’ person.